Well, I’m back, after nearly a year.  What happened?  Well, I thought I would start a blog that would bring in some money for our family, only I never came up with enough money to purchase it.  So I stopped writing, thinking I would wait until my “real” blog was ready;  I didn’t want to post all of my material here in the meantime and lose followers in the transfer.  Basically, I wasted a year doing nothing (as far as writing goes).  Well, no more.  I am here now, disciplining myself to write 500 words for 31 days (thanks to Jeff Goins’ my500words.com), to prove to myself that I don’t just plan to talk about being a writer for my entire life; I plan to actually be one!

This month, I turn 40; it is a pivotal time in many women’s lives, as they evaluate where they are, what they have accomplished, and what they plan to do with the rest of their lives.  Usually, our children (if we have them) are at somewhat self-sufficient ages by this time, so their demands upon our every waking hour and ounce of energy wanes a bit.  Mine are 3-11 years old, so they definitely still need me, especially since I am homeschooling the younger three, but the call to dream and become something more than Mom beckons.

I struggle with that because being a mom is a heavenly calling and a great responsibility.  I really didn’t even plan on being a mom.  I thought I would be terrible at it, and some days I definitely am, but God’s plan was different.  I have surrendered myself to it, and I am thankful- and awed- that He chose me to be Mom to these five small people.

People say that you become less selfish when you become a mom, but I have not found that to be true for myself.  Oh, how I cling to my rights and needs and desires.  Oh, the double-standards I live out, when it comes to candy consumption or time on my phone.  Daily, I am convicted of my misplaced priorities, and I want so badly to be free of the vices that hold me back from living an excellent life.

Is it selfish to want something for myself, something that could benefit others outside of my home (as well as within it)?  Is it wrong to commit a chunk of time each day to writing- just for me- and to put the responsibilities of home and family aside to pursue it?  I don’t know yet.  I’m definitely not saying it is wrong in general.  Everyone has their own standard to measure by, their own level of accountability.  I just have to figure out what mine is.

So, this seems like a good way to find out.  Five hundred words isn’t too many.  I think I’ve been writing for about 15 minutes now, and I’m nearly done.  I’m hoping that, as I write, I find some clarity, some purpose in it.  That was another one of the problems I had with starting my “real” blog:  What would my theme be?  What could I contribute that hasn’t been covered a thousand times over by other bloggers?  Nothing, I guess, which is why this writing thing really has to be for me.  I can’t depend on others to support me in it.  It has to come from within, and hopefully, God can use some part of it to bless others in time.